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What Are They Doing Wrong?

Sometimes accurate comparisons lead to inaccurate conclusions because of an uncomfortable heart. And it's not really funny.

Yesterday at the gym I made a joke. I’m going to share it here not because I think I’m such a great wit, but because of something that occurred to me later: what I said in jest is actually the way a lot of people deal with dissonant facts. They make a mostly accurate assessment of a situation but draw a wrong and more comfortable conclusion.

So there were just two of us at our team training session, which had pushed us pretty hard. Our trainer, Peter, was leading us through some stretches and Kelly was between him and me (I’ve changed their names). Kelly is slightly built and looks like she was a gymnast in high school and never stopped working out, even though she’s in her 40s and has borne a couple children. She’s very fit and she puts a lot of effort into her workouts.

Anyway, in that moment I was well aware that my doughy, aging, male body would not and probably could never move and stretch in the way that hers can. So I said, “Hey, Peter — I’ve noticed that Kelly is a lot more flexible than I am. What’s she doing wrong?”

The “logic” of that is this:

1. I see a difference between me and someone else because they try harder or do better at something.

2. This difference makes me uncomfortable because it shows that I don’t care or don’t try as hard as I should.

3. Finding fault within myself will make me unhappy.

4. Therefore, so I feel better about myself and my decisions and actions, that other person must be wrong and should change to be more like me.

This pattern might be familiar to you — maybe in a friend or family member, maybe in yourself. Or you might not have noticed it before and will maybe, now that it’s been described and pointed out, have trouble not seeing it.

You may remember some vivid examples from childhood: The fellow student who obeys the rules, behaves well, and treats others nicely is labeled a “goody two-shoes” (or whatever the contemporary equivalent might be) — as someone the other kids don’t want to be like, even though that’s what they all should be like. Or (and this continues into high school and even adulthood) the one who gets good grades, who studies hard, who knows answers, who has an actual interest in the material taught in the classroom or a training course gets called a “nerd” or “dweeb” or “brainiac” or whatever term serves to say “that kid who knows or does better than I do must be uncool”.

The urge to bring down to your level those who stand out, because they make you look or feel bad, shows up in the “grown-up” world, too: The homeowner who takes really good care of his house and yard might be criticized by the neighbors who do a lot less because the comparison makes them look poor or lazy. The worker who outperforms everyone else on the floor gets in trouble with the rest because she’s raising management’s expectations, which will make them have to work harder.

Drawing the wrong conclusion from a right comparison like this isn’t a new thing. And it isn’t a surprise to you if you know the Bible. Cain thought Abel was the problem because God was pleased with his brother’s sacrifice and not his own. The people of Noah’s time thought he, the preacher of righteousness, was the one with the issue. Saul hounded David, seeking to kill him, because the blessings he had squandered through disobedience were now given to the younger man. Wicked Ahab called faithful Elijah a troublemaker. True prophets of the Lord were mocked, rejected, imprisoned, and killed by people who were unhappy hearing his truth. And, of course, Christ himself had all that and more done to him by the very men who should have recognized, welcomed, and worshipped him but who didn’t like what he and his teaching meant for them and their authority.

By the time we get to the Book of Acts, we see things on a larger scale. Those who rejected Jesus saw what his followers had—forgiveness, peace, love, fellowship—and recognized it was because of their faith. But rather than draw the conclusion “We should believe, too!” they identified the believers as the problem—one to be eliminated through persecution and execution.

That change of scale illustrates how the “Someone Else” in this pattern of “thinking” that inspires irritation and discomfort is often not an individual but a group or class or type of people. And that makes it a much bigger issue. Having more people involved leads to more resentments and jealousies, which lead to more criticisms and judgments, which lead to more hard feelings and sharper divides, which creates more serious problems for any organization or society that relies on good will and cooperation.

History gives us far too many examples of this. The minority ethnic group that is seen as more prosperous is targeted for elimination by the less prosperous majority, rather than imitated. The nation that is content to protect and stay within its own borders is vilified, undermined, and attacked by its less satisfied neighbors. The educated of a society are identified as insufficiently equal to the uneducated and brought low or killed to keep them from standing out.

Things aren’t any better in our day and culture. They might even be worse. Young men and women who respect both marriage and their bodies are ridiculed by their peers who are shamed by their celibacy and modesty. Parents, teachers, doctors, and more who insist that biological reality is not rewritten by desire are punished for offending those who operate on feelings instead of fact. Those who wish to create and maintain objective standards of teaching and learning in education are run out of the academy as backward, obstructionist, and racist. Opponents of things long recognized as immoral and unhealthy for society—pornography, gambling, infidelity, drug use, killing the weak and vulnerable—are portrayed as radical and regressive, keeping people from the libertinism and license they deserve.

And at this point, it would be easy for us as Christians to point the finger at the ungodly and pat ourselves on the back for being on the right side of these resentments. But the truth is that these things happen between believers and in the church, too.

The churches and individuals who insist that, just as He says, God, truth, and his Word do not change … are called divisive, uninformed, and worse by those who are much more comfortable with a flexible and unrestrictive approach to such things. The people and denominations that don’t like the stress, unease, or unpopularity that comes with standing firm against sin in the surrounding culture … label other Christians, who are willing to pay the price of holding to God’s will, unloving, backward, and bigoted. And believers who strive to be diligent in living holy lives, studying the Scriptures, or sharing the gospel with the unsaved … are mocked as overzealous, painted as Pharisees, or isolated by “Christians” who don’t want to take Christ or Christianity so seriously because that would require changing things in their lives they don’t want to change.

So what are they doing wrong? Before we ask, and definitely before we answer that question, we need to make sure we’ve correctly identified the problem and who’s making it. The problem is not the person or people who are doing what they’re supposed to do, living right, making good choices, and sticking to the truth. The problem is the person or persons who feel exposed, shamed, or guilty when they compare themselves to the goodness or rightness of others and cannot or will not accept that the error or deficiency is their own—and then pins the blame for their discomfort or the disturbance to society on the one who deserves it least.

If any of these observations or scenarios have led you to see that you’re on the wrong side of these resentments, repent. There is free and full forgiveness for you in Jesus Christ. And do better from now on.

At the very least, though, you should now be ready to recognize this pattern when and where it appears in your home or family, your school or workplace, the culture or politics, society or the church.

And once you see it, you’ll understand better how to address it. Because what is often presented as an issue of others’ erring words and actions is actually a matter of the critic’s own unhappy heart. And that's no joke.

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