[I want to start by assuring you this is not a criticism of any particular bride’s, groom’s, or wedding planner’s decision about who would and wouldn’t be welcome at a wedding. You've each got your reasons, and I'm assuming they're good ones.]

As I was thinking about and getting ready yesterday to attend my niece’s wedding (which is today), I also remembered an advice column I read recently that dealt with attending a “No Kids” wedding when doing so created a hardship for the parents of a small child (it was a destination wedding, which really complicated the economics of the situation). That, in turn, made me ruminate on the whole concept of “No Kids” weddings and what it says about our culture today.

It’s all part, I think, of the larger societal shift that treats weddings differently (from the way they were in the past) because marriage—and sex and cohabitation as limited to marriage—is treated so much differently. It's not a positive development.

In earlier—and largely simpler—times, a wedding marked an entry. Not only into the “state of holy matrimony” but also into the state of “you’re going to be having children of your own soon because you’ll be having sexual relations now” (most weddings were, naturally, between people of child-bearing age). The advent of readily available birth control changed that expectation, and the sexual revolution blew it up, because sex became divorced from marriage.

But the wedding traditionally also marked an entry into a larger family and community. And since children, of all ages, are naturally part of that picture, they were naturally included in wedding celebrations. These were typically not the debt-inducing, carefully choreographed “events” or bank-breaking extravaganzas that weddings so often are today but were instead opportunities for family and community to come together to witness and celebrate the joining together of bride and groom. There was little reason to exclude children then. 

Now, though, brides and grooms (and parents) who are paying $60-$200 a plate for dinners balk at including a child. The thought of a crying baby disturbing their carefully-laid plans or stinky diapers upsetting the ambience of a reception that’s costing tens of thousands (or more) is not a welcome one — but if they decide not to invite the babies and toddlers, they probably have to exclude the rest of the guests’ children, too.

Which is a shame. Because a wedding is, by definition, a family affair, and what better way to introduce children to what weddings are about than by including them. And what better way to reinforce to couples considering or planning a wedding that marriage and children go together.

There is, of course, one other factor that should probably be mentioned. It’s a cultural phenomenon, but it’s not so directly connected to how society views marriage and procreation.

It’s that there are so many families with children who have never been taught how to behave. And poorly behaved—or outright misbehaving—children are nobody’s idea of celebration. 

This is downstream of a spiritual concern: fewer families are going to church, and so their children never learn how to behave in church (even though weddings are often much shorter than a regular service). And with an increasing number of churches that segregate their services by age—the adults get the service with the sermon that requires sitting still and paying attention, and the kids go to “children’s church” or Sunday School which requires a lot less—even a lot of church-going families have children who haven’t been trained how to behave during a wedding ceremony.

But it’s not just the church thing: plenty of children haven’t even been taught to stay in their seats, eat their food, and not make noise or trouble in public places like restaurants. If your family or friend group includes such children, it’s understandable that you don’t want to risk them disturbing the biggest event of your lives—and the guests you want to give the best possible experience to.

None of these observations reflect insurmountable problems, though. It might take some effort (gasp!), but things that have changed for the worse can be changed back—or changed to something even better. 

But it would be good for families and good for society as a whole if we got back to connecting weddings to children, and children to weddings.